Friday, June 03, 2005

mumbo jumbo and painted rock

Already Friday. (hope it doesn't piss some people off - me saying that - because for some I'm sure the week dragged on and they're saying...FINALLY Friday)
Being at home raising the little one has its ups and downs. First off, let me clarify, I am not in any way complaining. I know that I am extremely fortunate to be able to be at home with my son. And I love being at home. I just find that I lose time. A day will go by and I feel like I have nothing to account for it.
I suppose that's why I love these online journals. Gives me a way to say to myself...hey, look what I did today! And though I do WASTE a lot of time online (reading other journals and browsing through others' projects) I get a lot of inspiration and encouragement to be productive myself. It's hard to put my finger on it though - the little whatever it is that makes me feel like I'm not living up to my full potential.
I guess what I'm driving at is that now, my time is my own. Before, when I was working, my time wasn't my own so I sorta didn't really care where it went. It wasn't mine, so what did I care? But now it's mine. I am my own employer (to put it in a term that dumbs it down enough for me to make sense of it - but it's not like I'm running a business here). As the boss of my time, I don't like that I waste it on silly things. But GOD...who has the energy to just go go go all the time? So, I take some of that back. I DO deserve a break every now and then. Being a mom is a lot of hard work! now I backtrack. But you know what? Used to be that I'd spend my entire lunch hour sitting outside. (somewhere where no one I worked with was likely to walk by, see me sitting there alone and think to themselves that they owed it to me to come on over and join me because who likes to sit alone at lunch? well...I DO!) I'd sit outside and just write write write. Not that I'm a writer. Everything I wrote was personal - but it helped me work through stuff. Like this right here. I suddenly feel a lot better about myself. This is good. This is good. I need to resort to some of my old methods of release. I may be a mom now, but that doesn't mean I don't need some of the activites I enjoyed as a carefree youth. Anyway...I'm sure this is EXTREMELY boring to everyone just ignore me.
Anyway. Painting. On a rock. Up there.

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